Beach fun!!! DAY 11!!
Jul 19, 2018
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FElitmR8uxY

and my usual breakfast my breakfast
sandwich with the a turkey sausage and
English McMuffin yes
today is day 11 Wow 11 days I thought
two days was a big deal and then seven
days and now we're at 11 days like it's
only a few more days and I'm gonna be
had already two weeks and it's just
exciting to see that I'm still going
just as strong as day one it's been it's
been good it's really been good
yesterday was a rough day for me
obviously you guys have seen my video so
far
of yesterday's commotions and emotions
but yesterday was just really hard I
think definitely when I'm down and I'm
just not feeling good and you know I'm
struggling with my headaches and things
like that it it definitely does get to
me a little bit because it's just like I
don't know if I'm the only one but when
you don't feel good you just want that
extra touch that extra comfort and when
you're in so much pain it's like all you
want is just to be cuddled and held and
you know loved on and you know my
husband he did amazing he really did he
really cater to me but sometimes it just
takes you out of the league it just kind
of takes you where you just you don't
want to you know you just don't really
want to talk you just it's just like you
just want to be you want to be coddled
and loved but at the same time you just
wanna be left alone and so that's kind
of what I was at yesterday just kind of
in one of those moods I think from my
migraine but today I'm feeling 110
percent better I feel so much better I
don't even have a headache I
a great night's sleep which helps
tremendously and my appetite is back to
where it was at so it's a great feeling
and so for breakfast this morning I just
had my original breakfast sandwich I I
am one of those that if I find something
that really works I will stick to it
because hey I already how my calorie
count figured out for hit so my job is
already done - I enjoy it and three I
already know how it's gonna lay in my
body so I already know if it's gonna be
something that helps me withstand my
hunger throughout the day if it's
something that's gonna make me a little
bit more hungry or for the day some
foods can do that to me like I can eat
something for breakfast and then realize
a couple hours later like oh god I'm you
know not even a couple hours later it
could be an hour later I'll be like oh
my gosh I'm kind of a little bit hungry
and it's kind of weird because normally
I'm just not like that and if I have my
breakfast sandwich or something that's a
little bit more wholesome and more
protein to it I feel like those
obviously substan in my body longer so
I'm not hitting those hungers so hard
that I'm able just to continue to eat
throughout the day for my normal routine
eating schedule but I'm not like eating
because I'm just absolutely starving I'm
just eating because I'm starting to feel
hungry and knowing that that's my mic
cue to say okay Amy it's time to sit
down and have something to eat or grab a
snack something so I can just keep my
metabolism going and not let it go to
sleep and then wake up starving and want
to just eat everything that I'm putting
in my mouth because it had been asleep
for so long so it's kind of what I'm
finding as in what works best for me so
for the morning I have my breakfast
sandwich and I'm not hungry right now I
know it's kind of getting close to
lunchtime but I I don't really know what
I want to have for lunch cuz I'm just
not really hungry
so today might be one of those days that
I just have a beef jerky for lunch I
guess you would call it because I
definitely want to eat a little
something but nothing that's too heavy
if I'm just really not hungry for it and
I really don't know what we have in
store today I asked I asked the the
captain of the ship what's the plan for
today and he said I don't know matey
[Laughter]
so I'm not sure exactly what we're gonna
do I thought about maybe surprising my
kids if it's not too packed and take
them down to the splash pad for a little
bit and let them have some fun I don't
know I get really nervous around things
like that because I don't know why I
don't know again that's probably my
insecurities helicopter mom but I gotta
let them have some fun at some point and
here at my house we live on the hills of
West Salem so we literally have no
backyard we have a backyard I guess you
would call it but there's no grass it's
all cement and it's I don't even know
how to describe it it's not anywhere
where a kid can play and we're having a
really bad season for this area for
spiders and these spiders we had our
yard guy come out like a month and a
half ago and he was doing the yard we
had taken off and left him to do the
backyard and he called us about 40
minutes later and was like hey I'm gonna
send you a picture but I just got bit by
a spider from your backyard and I think
I'm gonna have to go to the hospital and
I'm like oh my gosh so he sent me the
picture and he had cut it open to
release the venom and he went to the
hospital and they definitely said it was
a spider bite no one that would have
been you know try like to take his life
but still you know that was pretty nasty
and so we called the pest control they
came out and sprayed and they've been
out a few more times since then but now
it's like I am deathly afraid to let my
kids even step past my backdoor because
I could not handle my kids getting bit
by a spider because I put them in the
back back there that's just not even
know so we're really hoping in the near
future to possibly find a place where
they will have a backyard
so that way my kids can go on play
because especially my my three-year-old
he would probably be outside from the
moment he opened his eyes to the moment
we have to drag him in and he would
probably also had that whole time
because that's just him he is a
go-getter non-stop on-the-go just yeah
he's all nothing but wilderness so I'm
really we're really really really really
hoping to be able to possibly find a new
home that has a great sized backyard for
the babies because all three of them
deserve to have room to run and play and
and stuff and so that kind of leads us
to even summertime we don't even have
space to put like even a small little
pole up because our front yard is a hill
our back yard there's nothing you can't
even do nothing with it so what am I
supposed to do put a pool in my living
room
I mean I've I've literally thought about
it because it's just like how fair is
this to my kids that you know because we
live in a home that doesn't have any
area for them you know it's just not
fair so something I was thinking about
maybe taking them and doing today but
we'll see I'm not really sure exactly
what today in stores but I will keep you
guys going along with us and I'll keep
checking in with you I hope you guys are
having a wonderful start to your morning
I'll see you soon yes there was a change
in plans
we're actually gonna surprise the kids
and go to the beach for a little bit
that's exciting so I'm gonna load up
everything and then we're just gonna
take off to the beach so I'll check in
with you guys once we get there and show
you guys all the fun we're having okay
we're just getting here I don't know if
you guys can even hear because the wind
and let the kids have some fun
I will take some videos to show you
let's try this time for me not to fall
flat on my face
what I notice is that they notice is
that it was so much easier to come down
the stairs right behind me this time
since I've lost that little about weight
what a difference just sixteen pounds
can do to your body I really didn't
realize it until just lately I've been
able to move a little bit more so that's
been nice what do you think baby
[Music]
Omar you can sit down honey go ahead
no Maya come home sissy she's never
walked on seeing honey over here over
here this is my baby's first time on
this co-ed
she's never touched Santa for she
refused to last time
be careful Omar be careful with the sand
I don't want to go in in your eyes yeah
[Music]
[Music]
here's my dinner tonight it's just a
grilled chicken salad I really did not
have a lunch today because I had the ice
cream instead so I only had breakfast my
ice cream and my salad I know kind of a
little bit of a less eating day but it
was so feeling for this salad I was
great everybody hopefully you guys are
having a wonderful evening we actually
just got back from the beach
just a little bit ago we had some dinner
and gave the kids babs they were filthy
you never realized how messy a child can
get when they play in the sand my gosh I
think I told my son my littlest one my
three-year-old I said cuz he's like I
don't want to wash my hair I said well
do you want me to build a sandcastle in
your head because you've got enough sand
in there so anyways we got got them
bathed got dinner done now I'm just
settling down can be ready to relax but
it was a wonderful day today it was such
a such a great time I can live at the
beach for the longest time I had a lot
of fear going to the beach and my fear
always ran from being afraid of being at
the coast and a tsunami hitting don't
know why like you know we've never had
one here at least that I know of now I'm
gonna go google that but I mean we
haven't really had like a tsunami that
you know we've seen elsewhere but that's
always like my my biggest fear and I
remember years ago my aunt took me to
watch this movie and I oh my gosh I
can't even think of the name of it and
you guys probably will know when I am
are describing the movie but it's about
these kids that wanted to become
scientist not scientists but um people
that study Stars and stuff and they end
up meeting each other and by the end of
the movie there was a tsunami hitting
and
their families were being torn apart and
her she wasn't she wasn't able to get on
the bus even though they married each
other the the boy had a ticket that he
could save his family and then his
family if he was married to the girl
would have been able to be saved but
when the whole family on her side and
his sight showed up at the bus they
turned away her family but she was
allowed to get on the bus and she just
couldn't do it so she ended up breaking
away off of the bus and they it was just
a crazy crazy crazy movie but it ended
up that I'm sure her parents ended up
dying because they were stuck in a car
but they gave their little baby to the
daughter to basically raise with her
husband the boy but anyways so that
movie - never helped me with my fear and
that's always in the back of my mind
like I will sit there and be like okay
which way can we get out if there's
something that happens or you know I'm
sitting there on the sand expecting the
sand to open up and like swallow me I
mean it's crazy the things that go
through my mind it's so bad but
nonetheless I'm starting to work round
my fears and starting to really just let
loose and enjoy my time with my kids and
my family and my husband and making
memories and so that was one of those
days today that I just really just
wanted to just get away and relax and
have fun
and that's what we did and I did not
fall on my face this time my husband he
was like don't move I will walk you
there with your dan's so he did he held
my hand the whole way I was like oh I
feel like a little two-year-old but at
least I didn't fall so I guess that's a
good thing on one side of it um but the
weather was beautiful it was so warm it
was a little windy and it must have been
a little overcast but I got Sun I am
really surprised like whoa you could see
where the Sun hit I mean you could
totally see oh yeah I got a little
toasty I didn't feel it but I had taken
a picture and I'll I'll post it up
through my video and you're gonna see me
face it looks like when I looked I
thought oh my gosh my glasses cuz my
glass has turned to Sun sunglasses in
the light and so I thought it was
something to do with my glasses and so
when we got in the car my glasses had
switched back to normal I was like why
did in the world like I still didn't
know but then when I got home and I had
taken everything off and was just
sending a picture to my friend I see my
face I was like oh my god I have a whole
line where the Sun hit me so yeah pretty
funny of the things that we go through
to wear these but it's enjoyable and
honestly they're so comfortable but yeah
it was a really good day and we stopped
we always on our way home from the beach
we always stop and get the kids an ice
cream and of course we get ourselves an
ice cream but most of all I'm not gonna
say most the time all the time I always
have to get the biggest of whatever so
if it's an ice cream cone I'm gonna get
the large I can't just get even a medium
I have to get the large because that is
one of the things and my emotional
eating is that even though again I'm an
adult and I could go to Dairy Queen five
times in one day if I chose to it's
something in my my memory that jots back
that I feel like I have to get that
large ice cream cone because what if I
don't get to come to Dairy Queen again
for a while so I better eat the large
and really enjoy it because I don't know
when I'm gonna come back but when you
have that that disorder and you have
those emotional disturbances clear back
in your past oh you're in your past as a
child those things still come up and I
still I still deal with that today
I still do with that so I'll either get
like a large ice cream cone but most of
time I don't even get a cone I have to
get the peanut Buster parfait minus the
peanuts add peanut butter sauce to the
chocolate and that's what I eat well a
peanut Buster parfait alone is 1,400
calories at least that's what my husband
said I haven't looked it up but I know
it ain't just a
you calories and I have to get that
every single time we go
so today
Jeremiah my oldest one said mom can we
still stop and get an ice cream on the
way home and it's like well we'll talk
to dad but I you know I don't see any
problem with it you know you guys are
doing really good and you guys deserve
an ice cream you know it's a fun day
something nice to do so a little bit
later
I was talking to Ollie and I was like
hey you know the kids want to stop and
get an ice cream on the way home and you
know I I didn't really say anything
about me just yet
and I sat there and contemplated in the
back of my mind should I or should I not
get an ice cream and because I'm so new
at all of my changes I had to really
think about it and really think like do
I deserve it am i worthy to have an ice
cream like it's crazy the thoughts that
go through your mind when your body's in
such transition and you're desiring such
big changes but you also have to allow
yourself to be still human and still
have things because those things are
gonna always be around so when we were
getting ready to get the ice cream my
husband was like well are you gonna get
one or you know what are you what do you
want to do and I said well you know what
I really I have looked up the calories
it's only 230 calories that's not bad
for a small vanilla ice cream cone I
think that you know that's not gonna
hurt anything for me to have one because
it totally fits with my calories
and he's like re he's like that's
totally up to you you know when he got
himself an ice cream so everybody got an
ice cream and we all got smalls none of
us got anything different of size we all
got smalls and it's so weird because
eating that ice cream cone I felt like I
owned a situation that normally would
have been very upsetting had you know
because there's been times where we've
went to Dairy Queen and my husband like
no we're all getting smalls oh my gosh
to tell me that I would get mad I would
just get you know attitude
I would like throw a fit almost like a
child but again it's because we're I'm
reverting back and I was still working
on so much that I didn't know so I would
just be so upsetting you'd be like honey
it's just a tree it's just a you know
it's just a treat it's not we're not
eating ice cream for a mill you know
it's okay to have a small and on one end
he's totally right but he doesn't suffer
for the issues like I do so for me I
feel like when he tells me no you you
know you should just have a small to me
I take that is almost a almost looks
like a threat not a threat but uh um I
don't even know the word I'm trying to
think of basically like not controlling
but I take it as like Oh like whoa
you're stepping over some rounds you
should not be stepping on and so of
course that makes me get hyped up all my
emotions start coming up I go on guard
because I feel like he's coming on my
territory and nobody should get on my
territory when it comes to that so for
me and him it was really hard because he
wouldn't understand where I'm coming
from and I didn't understand where he
was coming from because neither one of
us have experienced one of the other
ways of dealing with these type of
issues so by the end I would always end
up with whatever it was I wanted like it
just you know my husband never was like
no you can't have that and now I'm gonna
know by the end he'd be like well honey
it's up to you what do you know what do
you really want and then I would just
get what I want and I'd be on my merry
way because I got what I wanted but
today when I got the law or the small
ice cream and I ate it and I enjoyed it
and I totally told myself hey that was
perfect that was a perfect amount in
fact by the last bite of the cone I was
almost like I was getting a little too
much because I'm not used to that sugar
in the last two weeks almost two weeks
so it felt good though that I kind of
was
able to own that situation and not allow
my trauma to take over the fun
experience with my family and just be
able to experience what they're all
experiencing and having a good time and
so it was really fun I really enjoyed
today we took a nice long drive clear up
through Newport and back down through
Lincoln City and just had some good
family time and it was great the kids
took a great nap which gave me an always
some time to just you know talk and just
intermingle with each other because we
don't get that very often so it was
really nice I really had such a great
time I couldn't say that enough and one
thing I did give a message I want to say
yesterday yeah yesterday asking again if
I'm gonna put up some more videos of
like my conversion and my fertility
stories and I am I I am working on it
it's just that the last few like the
last week has been just a little bit
crazy again because I'm just getting
everything situated I'm trying to find
out where all of my you know my workout
session time is gonna work in my you
know my schedule and getting my kids
situated and stuff but I am definitely
gonna be getting one of the videos up
and out here very very very very soon
and I have another video from my husband
he did a mukbang last night he's so
funny he loves doing those so I'm just
like how about it honey I can't do them
so I'm gonna get that one up and out
today well you'll see it today because
you've seen this video so you'll see it
today um
and then what else I think that was it I
just again you guys are being awesome so
awesome I again cannot express
how thankful I am for all of the
uplifting encouragement and support from
every one of you some of you guys feel
like you know you don't want to write
because you don't want to make something
about yourself on you know my my video
but please please don't feel like that
please always feel free to write and
express yourself and tell stories and
you never know who's gonna read that
message and it might might change
somebody else's life and always feel
like you can reach out to me don't ever
feel like what you have to say is not
worth enough for me to sit and read
because I love all of my messages and I
do my ultimate best to get back to every
one of you as soon as I see them as such
pop up if I don't get back to you I
definitely will get back to you today
because I was at the beach I don't have
good reception down at the water well
kind of by the water and so I have like
I think I like twelve or fourteen
messages by the time I got back into
range where my phone was connecting and
so I was trying to get messages out but
I just didn't want people to think that
you know I wasn't seeing them or I
wasn't you know gonna respawn back
because that definitely is not that is
not my character like I said at the very
beginning I love when people respond
back to me it makes me feel like I was
seen and I was heard and that makes me
feel good and that's the same for you
guys I love interacting with you guys
I love the friendships I have it's such
an amazing feeling when I go to bed at
night and just I can think back on the
messages that I've read and the
encouragement and just all the support
that I get from you guys is it's so
overwhelming because I just have never
had that much support and to know that
there are so many people out there that
go through the same things I do makes me
feel like I'm not alone because a lot of
times I would walk alone thinking I was
alone because I
never imagine anybody being in my shoes
I never could imagine somebody
struggling like I've struggled or had
things happen to them that have happened
to me and so it's very it's very
touching to know when I go to bed at
night that I'm not alone either and that
I can turn to you guys just like you
guys can turn to me and together we can
get through some hard patches and
finally start really on a healing
journey because that I think that that's
what honestly is gonna be the biggest
I'm sorry my daughter is playing out
there don't know what they're planting
they're playing zoo but that's I think
where the journey of my health and my
weight loss has begun is because I
finally started working on my past and
sure still things come up that suck you
know I still have issues that I'm
dealing with with my mom you know I I
try and have open communication with her
and sometimes it's hard because she just
doesn't want to hear me as she doesn't
want to listen when I say something and
that's how I've always been all my life
is nobody ever would sit and listen to
my voice they didn't hear me they didn't
believe what I had to say and so it's a
constant battle with her because I'm
just like I'll say something I'll tell
her no you know we're not ready to come
up to your home or whatever it might be
and it's a constant same question over
and over when are you guys gonna come up
why don't you guys come up and it's like
how many times do I got to really repeat
myself for you to finally hear me and
listen to what I say
when it's concerning me and my family
like I have the right to say no and no
as a solid sentence when you say no you
should not have to own any more
explanations past the word no and
unfortunately sometimes people won't buy
it
they won't take no for an answer they'll
want a complete story and paragraph and
backlog and it's like nananananana no I
I don't really work that way I for one
don't have time to continuously keep
repeating myself
and spending time on these same subjects
that we have talked about over and over
again when I have so much time that I
can spend with some awesome amazing
people which are you guys so yeah it's
been it's been crazy but I just am
starting to learn through this healing
of my past and my trauma that I do have
a voice and I will be heard people are
gonna respect me and my boundaries and
along with that is I have a body that I
need to take care of that I need to put
first before anything else and that has
to come first along with people
respecting my boundaries so it's you
know it's all a it's it's all in steps
you know but the first step to take is
accepting the fact that we have past
that we have to he'll and then once that
happens then we can start working on so
much more and that's kind of where I'm
at right now
and I'm getting there little by little
step by step but yeah I just you know I
wanted to fill in your your guys's day
with me and just let you guys know that
today was a good day I did have my ice
cream I owned it and I'm proud that I
took it and I ate it because I'm not
gonna deny myself something when it
definitely fits within my calories that
I allow myself a day and you know I've
been doing lots of exercising and
working on myself and you know that's
the biggest thing is when somebody
starts a health journey a lot of times
they find themselves cutting everything
out of their you know they're eating
forms you know they don't allow
themselves to a certain amount of sugars
and calor are calories and carbs and you
know you have to you have to look at it
as a lifetime journey
and so you have to ask yourself so for
the rest of my life am I never ever ever
ever gonna touch a piece of carbs well
I'm sure the answer was gonna be yeah
because I mean at some point in your
life I'm sure you're gonna eat some type
of carb so right there
the mini you start eating a carb after
you've taken that out for so long
you're just gonna go hog wild because
it's just there and you haven't tasted
it for so long and you know and I'm not
bashing people that do know carbs like
please do not think I've seen anybody if
it works go for it but for me I've done
that and I dropped I dropped 37 pounds
in three months doing no carbs but I
started eating carbs and it piled right
back up and some more so for me no carbs
is just not my answer doing keto I can't
do keto i have bad kidneys and it just
would not work for me and again i just
don't know if it would be a lifestyle
for me because again it's the no carbs
or low carbs and i haven't really done
much research for it so i can't honestly
say too too much about it but it just
isn't something that i would be really
interested in but counting calories the
reason I do calorie counting is because
it's basically for me to keep an eye on
how much I'm eating so I'm allowed to
eat pretty much anything I want
no I do not allow myself to have soda
and that's for my reason of swelling I
swell so bad when I have soda and
honestly lately I hadn't even like the
taste of soda I would just drink it
because that's just what I always drink
um but for honest nasai really the only
thing I've cut out is soda now am I
going to go and have a big piece of cake
of course not and you know I'm still
choosing to learn to make healthy
choices of course but I'm not
putting everything out to not live in
reality because in reality I'm gonna
have an ice cream cone I'm sure at some
point in my life so why not allow myself
to have it in moderation and know that
okay wait you know when we go to the
coast have an ice cream is okay now to
go over to Dairy Queen and have an ice
cream every single day that's probably
not the best answer but to be able to
give yourself things and treats in
moderation I don't see anything wrong
with that as long as you're being
mindful when you are eating and when you
are taking in the treats and you're
doing it in moderation there should be
nothing wrong with what your choices are
being and there's no reason for judgment
either when you're eating something
please don't judge it like for the
longest time I would be like okay well I
want an ice cream but then I would sit
there and I'd be like but I'm fat I
really don't need it you know this is
only gonna put on how much more weight
you know I'm sure people are staring at
me while I'm eating in this in the car
what is my husband thinking in the back
of his head like God if she would just
stop eating you know ice cream I mean I
was just playing big ol stories in the
back of my mind because that's how I am
and so now I really work on no judgement
when I want an ice cream okay okay I
have an ice cream and that's it there is
no needing to talk about it there's no
needing to justify it it's I want an ice
cream and that's okay
that's where we have to get to our
points in our journey is being able to
be okay
with our choices and trusting ourselves
that we can make that choice because
that's my biggest thing is I always get
so afraid of not knowing if I'm making
the right choice I always doubt my
decisions a lot when it comes to me and
my health so
take a day-by-day um starting to morrow
my workouts are gonna get a little bit
more meaner my husband kind of warned me
he's like we're gonna bump it up a
little bit I'm like okay but I'm really
excited cuz it honestly just makes me
know that I'm reaching my goal that much
faster again I did not get to my weight
chart but I will be working on it I'm
gonna try and get to it tomorrow I don't
think we have much going on tomorrow so
I think tomorrow I'm gonna work on that
and get that hung up so that way you
guys will be able to be a part of it and
I'm thinking no well yeah I'm thinking
I'll record as I you know mark off the
16 pounds that I've already lost and
then on Saturday when I do my weigh-in
and I see how much I've lost or whatever
I better lose um then I will mark as I'm
videoing so that way you guys can be a
part of the excitement of watching the
numbers go down and I would if you're
aware I would so encourage if you guys
are doing the same thing as that I am
doing and working on your weight I would
encourage something like that and just
hang it where you can see it it doesn't
have to be in the living room it doesn't
have to be where everybody can see it
when they come through your house um but
something that you can visually see the
accomplishments that you're making each
week and it will remind you why you're
doing it what you're doing it for and
that way it just comes a little bit
easier when you're starting to struggle
and you walk by that weight chart and
you're thinking well look at all those
numbers marked off and I did that myself
and I'm not gonna mess up now because I
I've worked too hard to get that many
X's on my chart and that's totally why
I'm doing it because I need visual I
have to see what I'm doing or it's very
easy for me to get distracted and get
discouraged so that's what I'm gonna
work on hopefully tomorrow and then
other than that I'm not really sure what
tomorrow on stores I thought we were
going to take the kids to the water park
today but decided not to and just take
them to the zoo are
to be chopped so I don't know if
tomorrow we're gonna do it or not it's
supposed to be a pretty warm day again
tomorrow I'm really hoping this heatwave
disappears cuz I'm sick of the heat I
just wanted to go away uh I hope you
guys had a wonderful day today and don't
you think that I went one minute without
thinking about all of you guys every one
of you guys are in my thoughts at all
times
I am constantly just thinking about the
different things that you guys message
me and stuff every day it's always
playing in my mind at some point every
day so please don't think that you're
not being thought of by somebody because
it's being thought by me and I hope you
again that you guys had a wonderful day
I had a great day and I will see you
guys again tomorrow
[Music]
